Divorce

Last night I happened across one of those rare social media posts that, as a parent, restore my faith in humanity and give me hope for the future. For whatever reason, I wanted to share it. Perhaps as a cautionary tale to any readers considering divorce.

No, it wasn’t some uplifting news story or an inspirational meme. It was a picture and post that included someone I know only casually. My family owns a DJ business and I used to regularly pick up shows in bars at night for extra money. While dealing with drunks and bad singers on karaoke night – particularly drunk bad singers – can be a test of one’s good graces, it did make for fun people watching.

At one such establishment I got to know the staff to some degree and found them all to be a fun, if not a little misguided bunch of kids. Part of the mystique of the job was being a regular fixture enough that they let you in to the private goings-on without you really becoming a part of it. I was like a silent observer, watching the weekly soap operas unravel.  One of the servers, a terribly cute, wild child of sorts started dating a guy that at the time I thought “I wouldn’t let my daughter (ironic since I didn’t have one yet) date a creep like that.” She soon ended up pregnant and they had a quick courthouse wedding. When I heard all this I thought “well that’s a mistake” but as I was just the weekly DJ and not an actual friend or any part of her life, I didn’t voice my opinion.

Didn’t take long until that mistake played itself out. They got divorced, and with the advent of social media I again quietly observed the drama now from the comfort of my newsfeed. My opinions of the guy did not improve. It was not an easy or friendly divorce, although I’m convinced those only happen in movies. He began pulling stunts like waiting until the day his child support was due and leaving a box of pennies (or some denomination of wrapped coins) on the doorstep.

She recently got remarried. As I said, I don’t know her well but was very happy for her as the guy seems like the real deal. Takes care of her and her daughter, as well as his own from a previous relationship. I’ve been happy to see their wedding photos appear in my Facebook feed. This week a new photo appeared. It shocked me. It was the young woman, her new husband, and her ex and another woman, all together with the little girl in the center. They were all smiling, and it was recent. Strangest of all, it had been posted by her ex, who is not on my friends list. He tagged her in a post titled something along the lines of “two years ago I never would have believed this picture would happen.”

He went on to confess of his (and her) douchbaggery throughout their attempts at being a family and the ensuing heartache of divorce that followed. He said how foolish he’d been, constantly fighting with her, thinking of horrible things to say to her, just because he was hurt and upset. Then he told of how meeting his new now-wife made him begin to see how stupid it all was. That they should have accepted they just weren’t meant to be together (as they have now that they’ve met their true soulmates) and they should have only focused on loving  their daughter and giving her the happiest life possible.

Upon reading his words, I actually felt guilty for my quiet judgement of this guy I didn’t know at all and had only seen casually in a bar (rarely where anyone’s finest hours are on display.) The level of mature introspection and mea culpa he was putting forward was refreshing and humbling. Even to a guy whose parents divorced 35 years ago. I wanted to reach out to him and say not to be too hard himself. That we’re all human, and any damage they may have unintentionally inflicted on their child would likely not be permanent. She was very young in the bad times and now she will have more memories of their detent, and hopefully shared happy times together as one big dysfunctional family.  

In a manuscript I once wrote but will likely never share, except among the few friends who have read it, I was very candid about my own parents’ divorce. There never was such a “moment of clarity.” I am no learned expert or psychologist, but in that book I wrote: 

“And as an aside to any parents out there considering divorce, consider this.  How you handle yourselves in those proceedings and for years after will profoundly affect your children.  Don’t kid yourselves.  Divorce will hurt your children.  Hurt them irreparably.  Hurt them permanently.  No matter what you do or say, nothing will change that.  But you can still decide if that hurt is a scrape, a bruise, or a complete @#$% massacre.”

I am optimistic that with this path they seem to be on, that little girl's scrape will soon heal as to almost be undetectable at all. Here's to a good man and a good dad.